Why the World Hates Us

After a simply indescribable meal at Fadi's Mediterranean Restaurant last night, my sweets and I headed back to No Alarms headquarters for a couch-o-riffic viewing of the Olympics' opening ceremonies, not-so live from Torino, Italy. By the way, before we take this any further, I must implore you with utmost urgency to find your nearest Fadi's and order the combination kebob as if your very life depended on it. I'm talking an orgiastic feast of grilled beef, chicken, and lamb dipped in two secret savory sauces so sinfully delightful that I may have to repent of my enjoyment of it. Seriously, Jesus could return any moment and you may run out of time--don't roll the dice. You will thank me later. It would have been no less than criminal for me to exclude the Fadi's admonishment. Now, back to Torino.

Bob Costas was in usual spectacular form as he handled the host duties along with newsman Brian Williams (the only man in the history of America who has never been seen smiling). The pageantry of the various nations, replete with requisite funny hats, colorful attire and mini-flags a-wavin', made for an entertaining opener. They even had a guy get into a red Ferrari race car and burn donuts all over the stage--now this is not your father's Olympics. It's safe to say there wasn't a red-blooded male anywhere in either hemisphere who wasn't dreaming of being the guy behind the wheel of the Ferrari.

Sweets and I waited through what seemed like hundreds of countries I've never heard of, keeping ourselves awake for the Red, White, and Blue team to appear. And by the way, Costas has it on good authority that Serbia and Montenegro may be going splitsville in 2010. Can we get Billy Bush or Joan Rivers on this pronto?

What is also fascinating about watching the parade of nations is many of the smallest countries have only one athlete competing in the games. I kid you not, Ethiopia has a single athlete competing in the Torino games and do you want to know what sport? You guessed it, Ski Jumping. The National Geographic's I used to read when I was a kid never mentioned anything about the snowy white peaks or the plush ski resorts in Ethiopia. All those magazines ever showed were pictures of thousands of starving children and lots of empty dirt. Hmmm. Maybe this is why no one has seen Sally Strothers in years. Maybe while raising money for the starving kids, she got wise to the whole government ski resort conspiracy and was getting ready to blow the whistle on the whole operation. Someone must have been trying to keep Sally quiet. Geraldo?

Finally, the Americans came out of the tunnel waiving flags, taking video with personal mini-recorders, smiling like politicians on election day. It was very patriotic and wonderful to see the individual faces of the athletes and hear a little about their personal journeys. And then the NBC camera's found Kelly Clark, a former gold medalist among the US contingent of over 200. And what is Kelly doing? Talking on her cell phone. If that doesn't say it all about what's wrong with America today, I don't know what does. After all, the Olympic Opening Ceremony may be important to most people, but Kelly had to take the call.

Kelly, unless you are a heart surgeon, picking up the cell phone and jabbling away while representing your country before the entire known world screams only one thing. "Look at me, I'm so cool that even the Olympics are so lame that I would rather talk on my celly." I could only imagine eaves dropping on the call and hearing Kelly tell one of her cool friends (maybe even Paris Hilton) "...totally, like opening ceremonies are so 1988."

I'm sure Kelly isn't evil, but the whole thing smacks of arrogance and a lack of respect for the games, the United States, and all of the other athletes who understand the honor of participating in the world's oldest games. I'll put it to you this way, what would we think if an actress had her name announced as the winner of the Best Actress award at the Oscars and proceeded to walk up to the stage talking on her cell phone?

This is why the world hates us. Now go to Fadi's.